Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to The Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards, and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress, equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode, we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:32] So somebody asks you a favor, and before you've checked your calendar, your energy, or whether you even actually want to do it, you hear yourself say, sure, of course. Why not? Of course I can help. Of course I can fit that into my already extremely busy schedule. Of course I can bring something.
[00:00:54] Apparently, you're bringing casserole. Now. See, you don't own, um, the ingredients. You don't have a plan, but somebody's going to get a casserole.
[00:01:03] Follow me here. Then the conversation ends. You get in your car and you think, what did I just do? Why did I just say yes?
[00:01:12] Because you are already at capacity. You're already tired. You already had plans. You were looking forward to an evening where nobody needed anything from you.
[00:01:24] But in the moment, saying yes felt easier than explaining why you couldn't.
[00:01:30] Welcome back to The Happy Stack. I'm Terri Ann Richards, the happiness architect. And today we're talking about that space between someone asking and you agreeing to it. Because a lot can happen in that little space.
[00:01:44] You might be thinking about their disappointment. You might be thinking about being helpful.
[00:01:49] You might not be thinking much at all. And saying yes has become your natural, usual answer. And then your future self gets handed a commitment that your present self never properly thought of or considered.
[00:02:07] So let's give that future version of you a little say in the matter.
[00:02:11] First, I want to make something clear.
[00:02:15] Helping people, that's a good thing. I do it all the time. Sometimes we choose to do something that's inconvenient because somebody matters to us. We show up, we make room, we stretch. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. That's not what I'm talking about here. The question is whether you're actually choosing. Are you making the choice?
[00:02:38] Can you pause long enough to consider what you're agreeing to?
[00:02:44] Or does the answer come out, uh, before you even have had a chance to consider it?
[00:02:52] Like, think about the last time you said yes and immediately regretted it.
[00:02:57] What was happening?
[00:02:59] Maybe the person looks stressed and you just wanted to make things easier. Maybe you worried they would stop asking you, stop reaching out to you. Stop leaning in for help if you turn them down this time.
[00:03:12] And maybe being dependable matters so much to you that saying I can't feels almost like saying you can't depend on me.
[00:03:24] And those are things or possibilities that I think are worth exploring. Like, you don't need to label yourself or explain your entire history. When in those, um, moments.
[00:03:34] Like, start with the actual moment. What was I worried about that might happen if I didn't say yes, if I didn't lean in, if I didn't agree. And that question may actually tell you something useful, like, maybe you want it to help, maybe you wanted the uncomfortable part of the conversation to end.
[00:03:54] Sometimes both can be actually true.
[00:03:57] So here's an everyday example.
[00:04:00] Imagine a friend ask you to help with an event this upcoming Saturday. And you say yes. And then you discover that help means arriving at 8, moving tables, staying until the end and cleaning up.
[00:04:14] You thought you were putting out napkins or putting that casserole on the table, and now you're like an event coordinator and you're annoyed because you didn't schedule that into your calendar.
[00:04:28] But did you know what you were getting into? Did you know what you were agreeing to? Did they explain better? Mhm. Question. Did you ask?
[00:04:36] See, sometimes.
[00:04:39] And I'm speaking to the choir, but I am the choir. Like, sometimes we commit before the request is even clear.
[00:04:45] And then we get upset about the size of something that we never stop to sit down and measure.
[00:04:51] So before you decide whether you can help, find out what that help means.
[00:04:57] What would you need me to do? How much time are you asking for? Start time, End time? You know, when do you need an answer by give yourself that buffer to consider what else is on your plate. Those questions, in my opinion, are part of making an honest commitment. And they give the other person a chance to be clear.
[00:05:17] And they give you an ability to discover that maybe you only have an hour to give them. Right? Maybe they need something that you don't have the capacity to offer them.
[00:05:30] Either way, you're going to have better information than you had if you just would have said sure, of course, right?
[00:05:40] The next thing that I think is really important in this is to practice pausing one sentence. Let me check and get back to you. That's it, right? Like, it doesn't have to be this dramatic announcement that you're entering into your borders and your boundaries, or you're putting your guardrails up. You can literally just stop answering every request with a sure, of course, yes, I'll do it. And Maybe you just say, let me think about what I can manage or let me check my schedule or let me talk to my partner, right? I need to check what I've already committed to and you know, I can give you an answer tomorrow. Does that work for you? And then give them an actual answer, like, follow up, respond.
[00:06:24] The pause is there to give you the breath and help you decide.
[00:06:29] It's not there to help you hide so they forget that they asked you. That's not the purpose of it. The purpose is so when you do check, you look beyond whether there's an empty square in your calendar and maybe just an empty evening. And you want to spend time with your partner. You want to sit down, like, because sometimes you have the time, right? But there's other things that you could be doing that might be filling up your cup. And I know there are some of you right now that are literally saying to yourself, yeah, but I'm supposed to show up for people. I'm supposed to be helpful, you know, like when somebody needs you, like, you show up, I get it. But there's only 168 hours in a week. And in that time is what you do for fun, hopefully what you do for yourself in terms of self care. That's what we're kind of talking about here. But then there's your work and your spouse and your community activities and your kids and everything else that you do. And so just because you have space in your calendar doesn't mean you have time, right?
[00:07:31] Like, you don't need another appointment to justify that. That time is actually not available to anybody.
[00:07:41] So I want you to ask yourself, what would saying yes require from me?
[00:07:46] Like, what would I have to move and am I willing to make that trade off, make that sacrifice? And you may still choose yes, but at least now you understand what you're choosing. You're walking in with eyes wide open.
[00:08:01] So let's talk about the answer itself, because some of us can turn a simple decline into like a 12 step, uh, presentation, right? Like, there's the background information, he's whacking it. Uh, there's the supporting documents, there's the detailed account of everything that's happened since last Monday. I haven't been feeling well, the kids are really sick, my husband has to go here, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so by the end, the other person has literally forgotten what they asked. But they know a lot more about your life.
[00:08:29] You may feel that if you explain enough, they're going to understand perfectly and nobody's going to be Disappointed. But like, we can't control what other people feel, right? Like, if you show up and you're a. But I mean, like, let's be clear. Maybe people aren't going to feel great. But I'm assuming you're all kind humans. But we don't get to control the outcome on the other person, right? So I can show up and give a clear, considerate answer. And someone still may, in the back of their head, wish I said yes, because they're stuck.
[00:09:02] But you know, I call those opp. Other people's problems. Just because they have a struggle doesn't mean it's yours to fix. Right?
[00:09:11] So practice saying what is true. I can't help on Saturday. I'm not able to take that on. I can come for an hour, but I need to leave by 10.
[00:09:20] Like, you can add warmth. You can be the good human that I know you want to be. Like, thanks for thinking of me. I hope everything goes well.
[00:09:27] But try to notice when you move from explaining your answer to asking someone else to approve your answer. Did you hear what I said there? Like explaining to asking someone else to approve the answer that you gave.
[00:09:42] You don't need to be cold.
[00:09:44] You just need to be clear, concise, understandable, right? I might possibly be able to, depending on X, Y and z.
[00:09:53] Sounds different than I can't commit, right? Like if you already know the answer, like, don't wait till tomorrow morning at 9 to give them the answer. Just give them the answer. Clarity gives the other person something that they can plan around. And maybe they need to go reach out to three or four more friends or peers or colleagues.
[00:10:10] Uh, because you can't help right now. Sometimes the difficult part comes after you say it. They look disappointed, right? They ask again, will they say it's only a couple of hours.
[00:10:22] And suddenly you. Because I know you do it, because I do it. Are back in a negotiation. Maybe there's new information, possibly that's worth considering, and you're allowed to reconsider.
[00:10:35] But if nothing has changed except that they don't like your answer, you can just repeat it. I understand you still need help. I'm still not available. I'm really sorry.
[00:10:48] I know that makes the planning really hard. I, uh, just. I can't take it on right now. I don't have the capacity. Like you don't have to produce a new reason every time somebody asks again.
[00:10:59] And the other part is, check what you're assuming about their response.
[00:11:07] Like a pause doesn't always mean they're angry. A. Ah, disappointed. Face doesn't mean the relationship is going to be damaged. They simply must might be like adjusting to the plan, like on the fly in front of you. Right.
[00:11:21] Let them have that moment. Because everybody's allowed to have their feelings without rushing in to fill it with a, uh, yeah, sure, I'm, um, Of course, yeah, I'll move some things around and, and I'll make it happen. Right.
[00:11:33] And that quietness, that pause can feel really awkward.
[00:11:37] But just take a beat, take a breath. You can wait, you can care about the situation, you can care about the person in front of you, while also being honest about what you can offer and where you're at.
[00:11:49] And like, I also want to acknowledge that these conversations happen in different conditions.
[00:11:54] Right? Like, turning down a casual invitation is very different from responding to maybe your boss or someone that you depend on or a person who has reacted badly when you have disagreed before.
[00:12:07] The words alone don't solve those situations. So you may need support, a plan, A, um, conversation about priorities. You know, like at work, for example, the response might be, I can do this. Which of my current tasks should I move? Right. Like, again, I'm always thinking about capacity. I only have so much available resources within and around.
[00:12:33] What else is coming off? So I can fit this on? Or I have time to complete one of these by Friday. Which one matters most to you? So you're making the competing demands visible to whomever is asking you. In this instance, I'm, I guess I'm kind of talking about somebody who's in a senior level to you.
[00:12:52] Or like, at home, it might be, I can handle dinner, but I'm going to need someone else to do the pickup. Or like, you're looking at what needs doing, but also how it can be shared with the people around you.
[00:13:07] And sometimes I, uh, think we need to strengthen our ability to speak clearly. And sometimes the expectations around us need to be changed, tweaked, iterated, and both are important.
[00:13:22] And so this is for the rest of you in the back. What if you've already said yes? Right. So now we've arrived at the part where you looked at your calendar after saying yes, and you realize you have made a terrible, terrible administrative mistake.
[00:13:38] Like, you agreed way too quickly, you misunderstood the assignment, the request, or something else has changed. And start by deciding what you can honestly do now and then just speak up.
[00:13:54] I'm so sorry. I answered way too quickly. I just checked my calendar and I can't do the full day. Like that is an impossibility in my schedule, but I can Help from enter in this time to this time 9 to 10 or sorry. And again, I'm thinking like friendship casual, but even if it's in a co, uh, working business specific spot, I need to correct something I agreed before understanding the amount of work involved. Or I'm uh, just not able to take this on right now. Like own your part. They may have relied on your answer, started to adjust because of it. And if you can help with a reasonable handover or an adjustment, consider that. But be careful about offering a replacement commitment that you also still can't manage out of feeling bad.
[00:14:45] Right? There's one more thing I want you to, um, think about. Sometimes we agree and then we quietly become resentful or bitter. We say, you know, nobody respects my time, but have we told them what's available? Have we told them where our capacity is? Have we said what we can manage?
[00:15:04] Or have we been saying, no problem, no problem, no big deal, I got it.
[00:15:10] While hoping they somehow miraculously can read our minds in our schedule that this is actually a problem. Right? Because people can miss what we haven't said.
[00:15:21] Now that doesn't excuse someone who ignores a clear limit, but it does ask us to look at our part in the conversation. Right? Like clear is kind. Right?
[00:15:31] So here is your practice for the week. Choose one kind of request that you tend to answer too quickly.
[00:15:38] Maybe it's extra work or family plans, or maybe it's being the person who like, shows up and volunteers whenever the room gets quiet. I don't know. Choose a pause sentence before the next request arrives. Like, let me check and get back to you. Then use the time to consider, what are they actually asking? And if you don't know, ask.
[00:16:01] What would agreeing require from you?
[00:16:05] What can you actually honestly offer?
[00:16:09] You might say yes. You might offer something smaller and you might say no.
[00:16:14] The difference is you will have chosen and you would have chosen with the information that helps you show up in a better way.
[00:16:24] I hope you enjoyed today. I'm Terri Ann Richards, and if this sounded familiar, send it to someone who keeps agreeing before they've checked what they can actually carry. And this week just practice, practice, practice, practice. Practice does not make perfect. Practice just makes better. You can be kind, you can be helpful, and you can take a moment before you answer. I hope you all have a great day.
[00:16:47] Hey, thanks for listening to The Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
