Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Terianne Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress, equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:34] Hey. Hey. Welcome back to the Happy Stack Podcast. I'm your host, Terianne Richards, and today we're talking about something that. Well, it's not in your job description, but somehow it lands on your plate anyway.
[00:00:47] Emotional labor. You know what I'm talking about here. So this is those of you that are the team therapist, the family peacekeeper, the one who always remembers birthdays, checks in, smiles through the chaos, and never lets it slip that you're running on empty. And here's the kicker. You're probably not getting credit for any of it.
[00:01:09] So today's episode is for the strong ones, the go to people, the ones who are holding it all together for everyone else.
[00:01:17] And what I wanna do today is talk about what emotional labor actually is, how it shows up, and most importantly, how to protect your without feeling guilty for it.
[00:01:31] So emotional labor is not about managing your emotions. It's about managing everyone else's around you.
[00:01:39] It's the invisible, unpaid work of smoothing things over, keeping people calm, softening the blow, smiling through the stress, and strowing up with empathy and compassion, even when you're feeling chaos on the inside.
[00:01:58] And here's what makes it tricky. It's not bad. It's often rooted in care and compassion and emotional intelligence. But EQ emotional intelligence and emotional labor are not the same. Emotional intelligence is awareness and intentionality.
[00:02:19] Emotional labor is performance.
[00:02:23] Often under pressure. It's the forced I'm fine, the no worries. When it's very much a worry, it's when you laugh at your boss's weird joke because the room feels tense.
[00:02:37] It's sending the birthday card, leading the conflict resolution, sensing who's off in the meeting and picking up the slack just because you get it, and you do get it.
[00:02:49] But it's exhausting.
[00:02:50] And there is a reality right now that's happening in the world where there are a lot of people who just feel exhausted and tired. And if this is you, like, maybe you're wondering, like, why you feel depleted after just a normal day.
[00:03:07] And it may be because you've been performing emotionally the entire Time.
[00:03:15] And this is something that nobody wants to say out loud.
[00:03:19] Burnout does not usually start with overwork.
[00:03:23] It starts with over caring. Especially if you're the strong one and you're the one people lean on, confide in, vent to. You're basically the shock absorber for your peers, your team, your community, heck, your family.
[00:03:41] The question I have for you is, well, where do you go?
[00:03:45] And because I can't hear you right now, what I know to be true about clients I've worked with from experience, being the strong one without support is a fast track to collapse.
[00:04:01] In my book, Success Takes Courage, I write about the time that I basically hit that brick wall after trying to carry everyone else's emotions.
[00:04:12] And I mean, I was running a business, managing life at home, helping friends through their own storms, and then wondering why I could not sleep or focus or find joy. The reality of it is, is I was performing in resilience without protecting my own bandwidth. And that was not me showing strength. That was a slow roll to self abandonment. Right?
[00:04:39] And so I want to call out something that I guess is uncomfortable, but it's the truth and it's real. And these are the stats, y' all. This burden is not always shared equally.
[00:04:53] Research shows that women, especially in leadership or caregiving roles, take on significantly more emotional labor than men. That's in meetings, at home, in text messages, in tone, in. It's everywhere. And if you're a Gen X or an elder, that's me. Millennial, you were probably raised to be the nice girl, the helper, the rock. You were taught sometimes explicitly that your value was in being accommodating, that strength meant not showing any cracks. Gen Zs, you're pushing back, and I like it, but even you're feeling it. Many Gen Zs are overwhelmed too. Because even if you know boundaries matter, you may not have always been taught how to hold them under pressure. This is not me blaming. This is me trying to bring to the surface some awareness.
[00:05:51] Because if you cannot see it, you cannot shift it. And that's just the truth.
[00:05:57] So let's talk tools. Because awareness without action will. It's just kind of looking at stress with a big, bright spotlight on it, right? So here are four ways that you can protect your energy without becoming cold, without becoming disconnected or selfish.
[00:06:16] So I think first and foremost is we need to learn to audit our emotional output, right? We need to pay attention to what is going this way externally. And it starts with a simple, you know, asking yourself, whose emotions? And am I managing today? If you're leaving work feeling more drained from people dynamics than tasks. Take note. Right. Something I've heard over the years is to create like a leak list. Like literally, where is my energy leaking? Where are your emotional energy leaks happening? If it's in the workplace, if it's out with family. Because once you know, you can start to patch those holes if you will. Right. Two, this is a tough one. I'm not going to call out names because I love you guys. But I have some friends who are the most compassionate humans I have ever met. But they don't have borders and they don't have boundaries. And so they get depleted to the point where there is nothing left for them. And so what I want to say here is to set compassionate boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries are not walls. They are just putting up some clarity of what works within the realm of your capacity because each of us are different.
[00:07:36] So instead of saying something like, hey, I'm always here if you need me because I know most of us have said that, say to someone, you know, like, hey, I've got capacity for this specific thing, but I don't have it for that. Come up with your own lines. I want to support you, but I just need some time to reset.
[00:07:56] Or I would really love to be there this week, but I'm capped. Or I sometimes say I've hit my lid. Would next week work better?
[00:08:06] That's not cold.
[00:08:08] It's still compassion and it's honesty. Because you know that saying of you cannot pour from an empty cup.
[00:08:18] If your cup is completely bone dry, there's nothing left to give. And if you are one of those givers of the world, those folks who just show up and give with all of your love and all of your heart, then we need you to still be there. And the only way that works is if you set those compassionate boundaries right.
[00:08:36] Third, I think this one is something that I think I've even struggled with because I always felt like I needed a reason when I said no.
[00:08:44] And so stop over explaining your no. You don't owe these big dissertations every time you are trying to protect your peace, protect your health, protect your borders, your boundaries.
[00:09:03] Sometimes just hey, I'm not available for this right now is just enough. And you know, let's be honest, if people are guilt tripping you, to me that's a flag to say hey, like they're not respecting the fact that you also have a life outside of them, that you also have moments where you need to refresh and hit reset. And so that is data that tells you who you're dealing with. And then just something else to add to that is ask for help. You don't need to hit a wall. You don't need to deplete to the point of negative 10 before you just say to somebody like, hey, can I vent? Or like, could I just jump on a call with you and you distract me for 10 minutes? Or if you have a spouse, a bestie, you know, like today, I don't want to be a fixer of things. I want to be just me. And the people who care about us and love us are going to show up for us in those spaces. And this is us giving them that opportunity. Because if you're one of the people who is typically the fixer and the one that's showing up for everybody, that means those in your circle don't have a lot of opportunity to do that for you.
[00:10:17] And so give them that moment and both of you will feel better because of it.
[00:10:23] Here's what I want you to remember. Emotional labor, as loving and as heart filled as you are, is still work. And if you are doing it consciously or not, it probably explains your fatigue. It explains that irritability, that brain fog, that feeling that rest never feels like enough. And this is a reminder that you are tired sometimes from just carrying all the feelings of everyone else around you and your own, and you don't have to carry them alone anymore. This week, I invite you to ask one question to yourself every single day.
[00:11:03] What energy am I absorbing that is just not mine to hold?
[00:11:08] And then choose with love and with courage what gets to stay and what gets to go? And remember, those compassionate borders are for you and they're for them. That's it for this episode of the Happy Stack. If you've been the strong one for too long, I see you. I have been you. And this is your reminder. You deserve support too.
[00:11:34] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review view and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
