Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement and stress, equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:34] So you ever find yourself saying, it's fine, I'm fine, when deep down you are anything but?
[00:00:42] You feel the tension, you feel the sadness, man, you probably even feel the resentment.
[00:00:49] But you shove it down because you don't want to be negative, because you're supposed to be freaking grateful for the life you have.
[00:00:58] Because, well, it could be worse, Right?
[00:01:01] Here is the uncomfortable truth.
[00:01:04] Most of us were not taught how to feel our emotions.
[00:01:09] We were taught how to perform positivity. And today's episode is about exactly that.
[00:01:17] Today we're unpacking toxic positivity, how it shows up in high performers, why it backfires, and how to replace it with something stronger, which is grounded optimism.
[00:01:30] Toxic positivity isn't just being a little too cheerful.
[00:01:36] It's the pressure, internal or external, to only allow positive emotions, even when life's hard, even when it's heavy or just frickin downright painful. Here's how it sounds like in your life, everything happens for a reason.
[00:01:55] Just look on the bright side.
[00:01:57] At least you still have a job or a partner or a home or money in the bank.
[00:02:02] Oh, just, you know, choose happiness on the surface, innocent enough, right? But underneath, it's a subtle kind of gaslighting. It's a dismissal of your reality, your pain, and your truth.
[00:02:20] And as a high achiever, an entrepreneur or a leader, you have probably weaponized positivity against yourself because I know I have toxic positivity in high performers.
[00:02:34] It sounds a lot like I should be grateful because other people have it worse.
[00:02:39] There's no time to feel this because I just need to power through. I gotta get the stuff done. There's a to do list, right? If I slow down, I'm going to fall behind and I can't bring that energy to the team right now. So I'm just going to push it down.
[00:02:54] So we suppress because we're scared that it's going to slow us down.
[00:03:00] And we hide how we feel because, well, we don't want to seem weak or we don't want to be a burden, right?
[00:03:07] And we Paint that smile on our face because we're the ones people look to for strength.
[00:03:11] But the truth is this.
[00:03:13] When you suppress emotions, you don't avoid it, you're just storing it. And stored emotions always find a frickin way to leak out. That's the truth. And it happens through irritability, anxiety, resentment and exhaustion, or worse, even burnout. Right?
[00:03:35] So let's go deeper on this because I want to talk about the brain science. When you ignore or suppress uncomfortable emotions, your amygdala, the brain's threat detector, stays activated. What do I mean when I say that? I mean increased cortisol, increased heart rate, decreased access to your prefrontal cortex, which is the decision making, the problem solving part of your brain.
[00:04:07] You literally cannot think clearly when you pretend everything is fine. And when you stick in this positive vibes only man. And you do that through life, your brain never gets the signal that it's safe to feel.
[00:04:24] So it stays on alert.
[00:04:27] And over time, what that builds is chronic stress and dysregulation.
[00:04:32] And it's the cost of fake optimism.
[00:04:37] Now don't get me wrong, I am not anti optimism. I mean, I did like literally give myself the name. I am the happiness architect. Yes, I named myself, but whatever. I'm not anti optimism, I'm not negative on the positivity. I'm just anti denial disguised as optimism. Right? Because real optimism will not, does not ignore pain. It acknowledges pain and it believes that you're going to move through it. Toxic positivity says, do not think about the negative, don't play there, ignore it, avoid it. But real optimism says, even in the dark, I still believe in the light.
[00:05:25] So to me, that's how you build sort of that stack of building happiness, right? It's gritty, it's grounded, and it makes room for complexity.
[00:05:36] And in psychology this is called emotional granularity. It's the ability to name your emotions precisely, not just as good or bad, right? So the more granular you are, the more resilient you become. And I know like over the years I play in the world of resiliency expert and adaptability expert. And I know the word resilience has. It feels like it's kind of like it's run its course, right? Like it's man, we've heard, you know, just be more resilient, you know, especially during that period of time when the world kind of shut down for a bit. But the reality of it is, is we have always and will always require resilience to be able to thrive through life.
[00:06:21] Because life, as beautiful as it is, can be a shit show and it can throw us some curveballs and it can be chaotic and all of this other crap can happen. And so resiliency is important. And so when I'm talking about emotional granularity, I'm talking about naming your emotions. Precisely. Because when you can name it, you can process it and you start building that resiliency that we all need.
[00:06:48] And when you can process it, you don't have to carry it into every meeting, every relationship, or every self talk spiral. Toxic positivity. It doesn't just harm you, it harms workplaces. It creates fake workplaces, Shallow teams and leaders that people don't trust. People that people don't trust. Like when a leader says, let's just keep it positive, right? We don't have time to dwell on this. No excuses, just solutions.
[00:07:20] I really do believe they think that they're motivating, right? But what they're doing is they're actually creating silence and a lack of psychological safety, right? People stop bringing their problems. They stop sharing the truth, their truth. They start hiding, just like you might be doing. And over time, that kind of culture cracks under pressure.
[00:07:45] So let me say this. If you want psychological safety, you have to.
[00:07:51] Have to. Not like you could.
[00:07:54] Not like, you know, maybe it's. No, you have to model emotional honesty.
[00:08:01] That means saying things like, this is hard and we will get through.
[00:08:07] Is okay to feel discouraged.
[00:08:09] Let's talk through it. You do not have to be on all the time to be valuable here. I always like giving y' all a challenge because I feel like anything that I'm talking from teaching, it needs to be put into action to really sink in.
[00:08:25] So here's what I want you to try.
[00:08:27] Number one, use. And instead of. But so. So instead of I'm tired, but I should be grateful, you can say, I'm tired and I'm grateful.
[00:08:39] Two emotions that can coexist and you can just let them be, right?
[00:08:44] Number two, I want you to ask yourself, and this one's a good one, what else is true? If you're in pain, ask what else is true. Like, yes, this is hard and I've handled hard things before, right? Yes, I'm frustrated, but I'm also freaking resourceful.
[00:09:04] This creates this emotional flexibility that allows you to flex between the reality of what is, but also the reality of what you've been through before, right? And all those skills that you've built over the years. Number three, journal. A three layer. Check in each morning or night. Write what I'm pretending not to feel, what I actually feel and what I need right now.
[00:09:33] This starts to rewire your nervous system to feel safe with truth number four.
[00:09:41] Drop one fake smile this week, just one with someone you trust. Be real. Don't say I'm fine, say I'm not doing great today.
[00:09:51] And let that be enough.
[00:09:53] Let me leave you with this. Happiness is not the absence of hard things. It's the capacity to be with the truth and keep going anyway.
[00:10:04] Toxic positivity is a trap. It keeps you stuck in performance, perfection and pressure, but grounded optimism that that is where your power lives. It is okay to cry it. It is okay to rage. It's okay to say, hey, this sucks, and still trust that you will move forward.
[00:10:25] You do not have to fake light. You are the light, even when it flickers. If this at home for you, your challenge this week is simple. Name what you're feeling, even if it's uncomfortable, and ask yourself, what would it look like to move forward without denying what's real? Because that's how we build happy. That's how we build strong. That's how we build honest. This is me, Teriann, and I'll see you in the next episode of the Happy Stack podcast. Peace.
[00:10:56] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
