Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress, equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:33] Hey, hey, hey, Terri Ann Richards here at the Happy Stack. And if you are feeling more irritated by people lately, more disappointed, maybe a little bit more frustrated, tired of explaining yourself, this episode is for you.
[00:00:51] Because a lot of our stress right now isn't coming from what's happening. It's coming from how we're interpreting what's happening.
[00:01:00] Someone forgets something and you think they don't care, or you witness somebody react negatively or poorly and you think, well, they're just being selfish or they don't care, or, you know, they're being ridiculous.
[00:01:17] Somebody doesn't show up the way you expected them to, and you think, wow, that tells me everything I need to know about them. Point blank mic drop, right?
[00:01:27] But when you forget something or you react poorly, or you don't show up the way you wish you had, you don't judge you by your character.
[00:01:39] You explain your circumstances.
[00:01:41] You might say, I've just been overwhelmed. It's a lot on my plate. I really stressed, you have no idea what's going on. It's been a rough week.
[00:01:50] You know, same behavior as that other person, completely different story.
[00:01:58] Most of us don't even notice that we do this. We a lot of times think we're just saying it like it is. We're just being realistic.
[00:02:06] This is why this matters so much. This one mental habit, and yes, it is a habit, quietly shapes how stressed we feel, how safe our relationships feel, how much resentment we carry, how connected or disconnected we feel with other people, and how harshly we treat ourselves.
[00:02:27] And over time, it directly affects our happiness and our health in a slow, compounded, cumulative way.
[00:02:38] Psychology actually has a name for this pattern. I'm going to say, like, do not worry about remembering it, because it doesn't matter. It's called the fundamental attribution error. All this means is we tend to explain other people's behavior by who we think they are, and we tend to explain our own behavior by what we're dealing with. That's it. That's literally the whole thing. And once you see it, you're going to notice it everywhere.
[00:03:03] Here's an example. Someone cuts you off in traffic, your first thought typically is not, geez, maybe they're rushing to something important, maybe they're on the way to their hospital, maybe they just got really bad news.
[00:03:19] Typically our first thought is, what an idiot.
[00:03:22] But if you cut off someone, you think it was an accident. I didn't see them. I'm just having one of those days.
[00:03:30] Exact same action and for some reason, different context, different meaning underneath. And the meaning is what drives your emotion.
[00:03:42] So this mental shortcut, and it is a shortcut, gets stronger when you're tired, when you're stressed, overwhelmed, emotionally overloaded, stretched too thin. In other words, exactly how most people are feeling right here, right now.
[00:03:59] So if you have noticed yourself becoming quicker to judge, quicker to assume the worst, quicker to withdraw, quicker to feel annoyed with people, it's not because you're becoming a worse human or, you know, just bitter with life, it's probably because your capacity is lower.
[00:04:19] And when capacity drops, typically curiosity goes with it.
[00:04:25] So the science here is when we're under stress, the brain shifts into protection mode. The part of the brain responsible for threat detection becomes more active. And at the same time, while that's happening, the part of the brain that's responsible for perspective taking and empathy and thoughtful reasoning starts to become less active. So under stress, we become more reactive, more certain, more judgmental, less curious.
[00:04:55] And it's not on purpose. It's not, you're not doing this consciously. It's typically done because a nervous system is overloaded. And this is why. Stress doesn't just make life feel harder, it actually changes how we see other people contextually.
[00:05:11] And so this is the Happy Stack podcast. Like, this is about being more fulfilled and thriving and being healthier and happier.
[00:05:21] Research consistently shows that the quality of our relationships, not how productive you are, not how many achievements you've achieved, not the hustle, none of that stuff.
[00:05:33] Relationships is one of the strongest predictors of long term well being.
[00:05:38] Relationships don't typically break down because of one big catastrophic event. I mean, they do, but that's not the norm.
[00:05:48] They usually erode through the small interpretations that we, you know, it's the compound effect, it's the death by a thousand paper cuts. And it's usually through the stories that we are silently telling ourselves.
[00:06:01] Think about how this is showing up in your world, right?
[00:06:05] A friend cancels and you think they don't even care anymore. They don't value me. This relationship's not important to them.
[00:06:14] You might have a colleague, a Coworker, that's short with you. And you think, wow, that was rude, right? They're being rude. They're not considerate of how their rudeness is affecting me. Or if your spouse or partner forgets, you know, your anniversary, you think they don't care.
[00:06:30] And maybe in some distant worlds, that is true. And that's another show, okay? But sometimes it's not true. And those interpretations don't just create, like a moment of irritation. They start to create emotional distance. They start to build bitterness and resentment. They start to harden us.
[00:06:55] And over time, they make us feel even more alone. And we're dealing with a loneliness epidemic, especially here in North America. But you're seeing it globally, even when we're surrounded by people.
[00:07:07] We don't just judge people this way. We also judge ourselves sometimes through this imagined lens, right? We assume when things start going wrong that, you know, and we say this, oh, I hate when I. I hear people say this out loud. But it's even scarier to think what some of the things you might be saying inside your head, right? I'm just stupid. I'm just incompetent. They'll probably think I'm failing. They probably think I should be better by now.
[00:07:39] We say all this gross, icky stuff on side, you know, in between our two beautiful ears. And most of the time, the other people that we think may be judging us, right? They're not really judging us. They're too busy managing their own lives and their own icky thoughts to be thinking that deeply about you. But if your body reacts to what you're thinking about what other people are thinking, Follow me here for a second. Like you're thinking about somebody else thinking about you. And your body reacts as if the judgment is real.
[00:08:14] And that constant low level stress takes its toll on your mood, on your energy, on your health, on how you show up.
[00:08:26] So what I want to say here is this is a pattern.
[00:08:32] This is not me saying we're all bad by being this way.
[00:08:38] It's about saying, like, hey, the data is out. And it's showing that a lot of us are living in this space of judgment, judgment of others and judgment of what we believe others are judging us for.
[00:08:52] And the first way to shift a pattern is just becoming aware of it, because the awareness gives you the ability to then choose whether or not this is something that is of importance to you enough that you would like to start shifting the habits.
[00:09:10] And I want to talk to you about shifting that because that pattern needs to be interrupted consistently.
[00:09:18] And there Are some practical ways that you could most definitely start adjusting these habits literally today.
[00:09:28] Very first one, add context before conclusion.
[00:09:36] When you catch yourself judging someone, ask in your own head, what might be going on here that I can't see.
[00:09:46] This is not about excusing behavior. It's just widening the lens, right?
[00:09:51] That one question can create space between the stimulus and the response. And that space is where emotional intelligence lives. Okay. Second, separate behavior from identity.
[00:10:08] Instead of thinking they are unreliable, try that behavior didn't meet expectations or that behavior was not what we were expecting Based on the deadlines. It's shifting it from putting the person with the behavior. It's pulling those two apart. And it sounds ridiculous. It's so subtle, but it's so powerful.
[00:10:34] When we collapse behavior into identity, we start to become rigid and we harden. And when we keep them separate, we stay flexible.
[00:10:43] And flexibility is a huge contributor to psychological wellbeing.
[00:10:49] Something that we used to say in conversations when I was doing a lot more coaching back in the day is, what was the difference? It was actions versus intent. Separating the two of those would help in such a big way, because sometimes somebody can really hurt you, hurt your feelings, do something, and that action can be harmful.
[00:11:16] But the intent maybe was not that. And so that works really well when you're, you know, in an intimate relationship. That works really well with your children in friendships. I'm not sure if that would work in all spaces, because I think actions versus intent usually makes the assumption, you know, a little bit more about that person's character.
[00:11:39] But, you know, if my husband says something to me that sort of offends me before jumping down his throat, I separate the actions versus intent. What he said or did maybe hurt, but the intent, well, I know him, and I know his heart. He's not going to go out of his way to hurt me. And that in and of itself changes the way in which you respond.
[00:12:03] Third, check your state before you trust your story. Ooh, this is a big one.
[00:12:09] Before you believe the narrative that your mind is spinning, ask yourself, am I tired?
[00:12:16] Am I hungry?
[00:12:17] Am I carrying stress? We actually call this the hats. So am I hungry?
[00:12:22] Am I angry? Am I tired, or am I stressed?
[00:12:26] And if the answer is yes, just take a beat, Take a moment to decide what you're interpreting that other person's actions and behaviors for, or those judgments.
[00:12:41] Because if your hats are not in good space, a lot of times you'll interpret things wrong. And we interpret a lot of things wrong or incorrectly, or we interpret over interpret it when we're dysregulated.
[00:12:59] And then number four, offer yourself the same grace you offer yourself outward.
[00:13:07] So you already do this inwardly. You already know how to explain the context.
[00:13:13] The habit is extending that same humanity outward.
[00:13:19] So not naively, but consciously. Because the goal here is when you mess up, a lot of times you understand the context of why that mess up might have happened.
[00:13:32] So the same grace that you offer yourself, think about it outwardly for others before you judge or jump on the judgment.
[00:13:44] Because it will help you to stabilize your mood, your stress. It'll also help to stabilize your relationships.
[00:13:54] Most of our unhappiness doesn't come from what people do. It comes from the stories and the meaning we assign to what they do. And sometimes not all the time, but sometimes that meaning is something that we can work with.
[00:14:11] It's something that we can put a little bit more energy and effort behind.
[00:14:16] And so if any of this resonated with you, the reflection I want to throw back at you this week is who am I judging without knowing the full story, including yourself? And what would shift if you replaced certainty with curiosity?
[00:14:32] Because a happier life is not built by controlling outcomes or controlling people.
[00:14:39] It's built by understanding the nuances, the context, and the story in between the actions and the behaviors. And that includes doing that on a consistent basis and just shifting that for yourself. So if this episode gave you something, anything to think about, share it with someone. And if you have something to add to the conversation, please comment and let me know your thoughts.
[00:15:03] Have an amazing day.
[00:15:05] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe. Subscribe, leave a review and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
