Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress. Equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:33] Welcome back to the Happy Step Podcast. This is Terianne Richards, and I am super excited that you are here. You know, there's a part of growth that I don't think anyone actually ever prepares us for, right? Like when you start to outgrow yourself, it's not a fun process. It kind of hurts, right? And not in like this dramatic like, ouch, I got a boo boo. But like a quiet drain of almost shedding a skin. Like I almost picture it as when a snake starts to shed their skin. The pain they must feel in that, outgrowing themselves.
[00:01:13] And there's grief in realizing that the old version of you doesn't work in this space and towards the future anymore. The version that maybe hustled through everything, the version that over functioned, the version that stayed agreeable just to keep safe. Or the version that survived but didn't always feel like they were thriving. And because this grief doesn't look like loss, people don't typically name it. And I'm speaking to those of you who are going through that next level, like you're going through your 2.0 version of you right now. Like you're in the thick of it and you feel restless and irritable and unsettled. And when you think of human behavior and psychology, this makes sense, right? The brain craves familiarity even when that familiarity cost you, right? Like old identities, old patterns, old ways that we've done things, those are predictable and the new ones are not, which makes it scary.
[00:02:17] So when you're in a growth phase internally, you as a human are becoming a different person. So you're in a transition and your nervous system feels super vulnerable and super exposed, right? Like we talk about it and you see it on the podcast and you read it in the books, that growth is supposed to feel expansive, right? Exciting.
[00:02:42] But sometimes growth can actually feel like subtraction, right? Like all of a sudden you've taken on less roles and you're not giving as many explanations and sometimes you've let go of some of the relationships, right, that required you to bring your world back in and that can feel really lonely, even when it was the right thing, even when it's healthy.
[00:03:10] And people don't just grieve people, right? Like, we grieve the patterns we've used to follow. We grieve the strategies that once really worked for us, the strategies that kept us safe. Maybe it was our overperforming or being the fixer or being needed or being seen and impressive. Those strategies worked for a time, right? Until they didn't.
[00:03:36] And so letting those parts of us go can feel like walking into uncertainty. And it's like walking into a battle without armor, right? And psychology calls this adaptive loss, grieving what once protected you. And what's important about this is if you don't allow yourself to grieve old identities, you'll typically resurrect them when you hit those stressful moments in life, right? And this is why people regress during hard seasons. They return to familiar roles. We are creatures of habit, right?
[00:04:14] So growth actually requires mourning, right? Acknowledging what was and what is to be.
[00:04:23] So let's kind of ground this out for a second. The question I want you to ask yourself is, what am I trying to outgrow but still secretly relying on?
[00:04:35] And what we're trying to get to here is trying to figure out, like, there is another version of you that you're trying to become. There's a new goal you've put in place that there's, you know, something you're going for in your business, in your relationships, in your health.
[00:04:49] There's a part of you that you need to leave behind.
[00:04:52] So what am I trying to outgrow? What patterns, what strategies? What old version of me am I trying to outgrow? But I'm still secretly relying on it because that answer matters. Outgrowing people. I want to speak to that for a second because I think that's the hardest part, is when you have to start saying no to certain things and certain people. It doesn't make you saying, hey, I'm better than you. And that's why we're not, you know, gonna spend time together anymore. It's not about being cruel or mean or any of those things. It just makes you become more honest with you. You're not rejecting them. You're refusing to abandon yourself. And the truth is like, honesty has a cost, right? Like, not everyone will come with you.
[00:05:37] Not everyone's going to understand.
[00:05:39] Some people are going to prefer the old version of you because that old version of you benefited them, or it felt more comfortable. And remember, familiarity. They want it too. And so sometimes the new version of you doesn't feel familiar anymore to them and sometimes they leave you. That doesn't make them bad, it just makes this transition as real as real it can be. And so you don't owe consistency to people who benefited from when you were living in self portrayal, right? Like I feel like there's something to be said about that now. Sometimes the who you were worked in those moments, it was great, it was everything you needed. And then you made a decision that you want to do something else. You made a decision of another part of your life that you want to up level. And as you plan that out, you recognize that there are certain things you can't do and certain people that just don't just not going to fit anymore. And for a lot of times, and a lot of folks that I coach, they'll hold on to those people for a bit, right? So you'll up level, you'll start new habits, new behaviors, new actions, all of these other things will come into play. You'll start dropping the old patterns and all of a sudden, but the people that kind of keep pulling you back, you'll keep around for a bit. And what I'm saying is you don't owe consistency to the people who benefit it or benefit from your self betrayal. You have to be honest with yourself.
[00:07:03] And finally this, when I think of grief, a lot of times people think it's, you know, and I think in terms of grief as we typically speak about it, which is, you know, in loss of somebody we love, somebody we care about, a lot of times when people talk about it, especially people who are uncomfortable with grief, they'll talk about it like it's like a regression, like we're going backwards. Grief is not a sign you're going backwards. To me, grief is a sign that you're leaving something behind. Right. Growth without grief is not growth. Right. You need to grieve what was.
[00:07:35] Because the goal here is not to avoid it, right. It's to allow yourself that next level evolution.
[00:07:43] Right. And the truth is, outgrowing yourself hurts. It does. It's not always a fun process.
[00:07:49] And yes, when you get to the other side, you can look back and be like, man, look how far I came.
[00:07:53] But there is that icky, messy middle where growth can sometimes feel like subtraction, like you're losing a lot. And that's not a fun space to be. And so this is me telling you that I understand that I've been through that, I feel that I've seen that I'M certainly going through it right now in my own world, and I think it's important to recognize that there is an acknowledging that you need to give yourself and remembering why you're going through this growth process. Because I think that why will help to anchor you as you go through the ick.
[00:08:31] I hope you all have a great day.
[00:08:34] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
