Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement and stress. Equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:34] Welcome back to another episode of the Happy Stack Podcast. I'm your host, Terianne Richards, and I want to clear something up right out of the gate.
[00:00:44] Confidence, which I get questions about all the time, like, how do you build confidence? Right? Like, how do you get more of it?
[00:00:52] Confidence is not built by success.
[00:00:54] A lot of us think if we're more successful, then just by nature we'll become more confident.
[00:01:00] Confidence is actually built by follow through, even when it's hard under discomfort, right?
[00:01:08] That's the thing that nobody wants to hear. Somebody said to me, like, but isn't there like a three step process that like, I could just follow, like, isn't there like these steps to build confidence?
[00:01:18] And I'm like, yeah, do the hard thing, say you'll do it and then do it. That is how you build confidence.
[00:01:24] Because we've been sold this idea that confidence comes after things feel a little easier, right? After you're ready, after you're certain, after the fear goes away. It never goes away psychologically.
[00:01:38] That is not how it works. Confidence is retrospective. It's built after you survive something. And I'm saying survive like, you know, quote unquote survive, right? Like after you make it through something, after you do the hard thing, you do the uncomfortable thing and you realize, like, oh my gosh, I didn't fall apart. Like, I'm still here.
[00:02:02] Here's the problem.
[00:02:03] Most people who think they're lacking confidence aren't.
[00:02:08] They are actually practicing avoidance. And yeah, I'm calling you all out because if you think you're not a confident person, and we sat down and I had a conversation with you and I asked you some questions about how often you make yourself do hard things.
[00:02:23] You would tell me you don't. You would tell me you avoid those tough things, those hard things. A lot of times avoidance can feel like a good thing. Like, it's scary, right? I'm afraid we as humans are afraid of the unknown.
[00:02:38] It feels productive at first, right? It looks like thinking things through, I'm just putting a lot of thought into. It's just I'm waiting for the right timing, right? I'm gathering more information. I'm reframing fear as logic.
[00:02:52] But the smarter and more capable you are typically the more sophisticated your avoidance becomes.
[00:03:02] The paradox here is avoidance doesn't reduce the fear, it just trains it, right? Like, it's like training the bear in between your two beautiful ears.
[00:03:11] Neuroscience shows that avoidance strengthens fear threat pathways in the brain. So every time you dodge discomfort, your nervous system learns, this is dangerous. We should never, ever do it, ever in a million years, right? So the threshold for fear gets lower, not higher, right? And this is why people who are objectively capable start doubting themselves. And it's why anxiety grows in high performers. And it's why confidence erodes quietly and silently.
[00:03:43] Confidence doesn't disappear overnight. It kind of like leaks, right? Like, it's just leaking drip by drip over time. And the leak usually starts with self trust. I talk about this in my book Success Takes Courage. I talk about it in my newest book, becoming the 8%.
[00:03:59] Self trust to me is like the end all, be all. You can't trust nothing out there until you start with you. You can't make anything great happen out there externally for yourself until you internally get and trust you.
[00:04:16] Confidence is not a feeling, it's a memory.
[00:04:19] It is your brain holding evidence that says, I've been here before and I can handle it.
[00:04:27] If you don't have evidence, you have no confidence.
[00:04:31] And the layer that people miss here is avoidance isn't about the thing. It's not about the task. It's about identity protection.
[00:04:41] It's you internally protecting what you believe you are. You're not avoiding sending the email. You're avoiding being misunderstood.
[00:04:53] You're not avoiding the conversation. You're avoiding disappointing someone, being seen as somebody who disappoints somebody. Right? You're not avoiding the risk, you're avoiding the version of yourself that might feel vulnerable and exposed.
[00:05:08] That's identity level discomfort. And identity discomfort hits harder than physical or cognitive discomfort any day. And this is why people say things like, I know I can do hard things, just not this hard thing, right?
[00:05:24] That this is usually the thing that threatens how you view yourself, how you see yourself internally.
[00:05:31] So let's talk about confidence building in a way that actually works.
[00:05:35] This is not about affirmations, although I do believe in them. And this is not about faking it until you're making it or like pretending you're fearless.
[00:05:43] Confidence is built through exposure with integrity.
[00:05:47] So small repeated exposures to discomfort without you betraying yourself. No, self betrayal. That's not what we're asking for here.
[00:05:56] So the shift that I'm asking for is instead of asking what's the right decision here, ask what's the decision that builds self trust, because self trust compounds and then confidence follows. So think about it like this. I think it's like 77% of people in the world are afraid of public speaking.
[00:06:18] So much so that most of those individuals who are afraid of public speaking are more afraid of it than death or like having a spider on their body. Which just bewilders me because both of those scare me way more than public speaking. Although I get that I do it. But I think way back when I first started speaking in front of a crowd, I remember I was invited, I think I was about 18 years old, I was invited to go speak in front of a group of business folk in my home city, share my story.
[00:06:49] And I had written out my talk word for word on loose leaf. Now, nobody was coaching me back then, that's, you know, many moons ago. And so I wrote my speech out word for word. I did not number my speech like on the pages.
[00:07:06] They called my name up. I got to the top of the stage, I stood in front of the mic holding my stack of loose leaf, looked at the crowd and I was like, oh my Lord. So I started reading word for word, not looking up at the crowd.
[00:07:21] Thank goodness there's no video of this. And at some point, my hands were shaking so much I dropped the stack of paper.
[00:07:28] Okay, I dropped the stack of paper that had no page numbers. And when I went to pick it back up, it was a mess there. It was not in order anymore. And I had to stand up there and I had a choice to make. My choice was run the heck off the stage, which I'm pretty sure my body was telling me to do, or just her talking. So I started to talk. I have no idea what I said. And at the end I had a standing ovation. I'm not sure if I get a standing ovation because they were just happy I was getting off the stage or if I said something really amazing. But that self trust that I started to build in myself just by a showing up, writing it out, dropping the paper and still doing it, doing the hard thing.
[00:08:07] I now speak on stages. I'm now actually paid to do that.
[00:08:11] So this is where the habit science comes in. Identity isn't built by intensity, it's built by repetition.
[00:08:18] One bold move doesn't change who you are, but consistent follow through does.
[00:08:25] So instead of Waiting for confidence.
[00:08:28] Lower the bar for action and raise the bar for integrity.
[00:08:32] Do it badly. Do it messy.
[00:08:35] Go look at anybody, any single person that you follow that has an amazing podcast with multiple followers, especially if they're on YouTube so you can see them on video and look at the first video. They did it badly. It wasn't very good, but they stayed consistent.
[00:08:51] And over time, they got better. That's kind of how things happen, right? So do the thing badly. Start for five minutes. Send the imperfect message you will not blow anything up. Your body will still be good.
[00:09:03] It's just about the repetition.
[00:09:05] Confidence doesn't come from doing it well. It comes from doing it despite feeling discomfort.
[00:09:14] Another practical tool that works is create a discomfort budget. So one intentional discomfort per day, that's what I want you to go for. 1. Not 10, not 0, but 1. So do 1 thing every single day that stretches you slightly, just a little bit beyond your comfort.
[00:09:36] So if there's a conversation you've been postponing, do it today. A boundary that you've been thinking about putting in place, do it today.
[00:09:45] A task that you keep avoiding and putting it off to tomorrow, do it today.
[00:09:49] Your nervous system needs proof, not pressure.
[00:09:53] And this is an important thought here.
[00:09:57] Discomfort. This is what you got to remind. Your brain is not danger. It's just information.
[00:10:03] Fear contracts and intuition clarifies. If something feels uncomfortable, but it's still aligned, that's growth.
[00:10:14] If something feels urgent and panicked, that's fear.
[00:10:19] You need to learn to tell the difference, because learning to tell the difference changes everything.
[00:10:24] Avoiding discomfort is not protecting you. It's not helping you grow. It's not helping you achieve the great things that you want to achieve in life.
[00:10:35] It teaches your brain that you can't handle life.
[00:10:39] And nothing, nothing erods confidence faster than that, right? Confidence is steady, and it's built by showing up when you want to disappear. When you feel like the last thing you should be doing is that thing, do it.
[00:10:55] Do it anyway. And do it each day. One thing. Something small, something that feels slightly uncomfortable, something that slightly stretches you. And I promise you'll start to build that self trust. That self trust will compound and the confidence will follow. I hope you all have a great day.
[00:11:15] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
