Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where.
[00:00:03] Speaker B: We explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards, and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress, equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode, we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: You can have a calendar full of meetings and a phone full of contacts and a life that looks completely plugged in and still feel alone.
And this is what I call connection deficit disorder. It's this silent epidemic that nobody's diagnosing but everybody's living through.
And the truth is, we are more connected than ever before and yet have never felt more isolated. You can post online and get 200 likes and not have one person you'd feel safe calling when you're falling apart. You can go to a networking event every single week, but walk out feeling emptier than when you arrived. You can be surrounded by people, a team, a family, a partner, and still feel so very on scene. And that's not loneliness in the traditional sense. And I think that's the problem.
It's emotional disconnection, the kind that slowly numbs you from the inside out and I guess, down the deep hole for a bit. Just as I've witnessed a few friends and family members experiencing this phenomenon, I guess, and realize that the data backs this up. The US Surgeon General's 2024 report called Loneliness a public health crisis, not an emotional one, a health crisis.
Chronic loneliness increases your risk of heart disease by 29% and your risk of stroke by 32% and has the same impact on your body as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 15 frequency. I don't smoke, man.
And being lonely is the same as having 15 cigarettes a day. That's crazy to me. That is what disconnection does to the nervous system. It keeps the body in this constant state of vigilance, like it's unsafe even when nothing is wrong.
And the irony is, most people don't even realize they're disconnected. Because on the surface, right, life is busy. We have mistaken interaction for intimacy, right? I've got 500 friends on Facebook. I got a thousand friends on Facebook. Whatever people say, I don't know. I'm sure not everyone's talking about Facebook anymore. But I digress.
We are in this constant state of being in noise and chaos, and it's not nourishing. And we chase performance instead of presence.
We literally live in a culture that celebrates independence but forgets that humans are wired for interdependence. Your brain has a social operating system. It needs belonging. It needs safety and understanding to function properly. And when you don't get that, your body literally reads it as danger. It floods you with cortisol, and you end up chronically anxious, fatigued, or worse, burnout.
And it's not even because of work workload. It's because of emotional isolation.
Let me tell you how this shows up, and it is scary to me how often I'm seeing this.
Like, you might notice yourself over explaining to people who never seem to get you. You might crave deep conversation, but default to surface talk because it feels safer, right? Or maybe you stop reaching out altogether, telling yourself that people are just too busy. I don't want to bother them. When really you've just stopped believing that connection is even available.
This is what connection deficit disorder feels like. You're there, but not with anyone. You're functioning, but you're kind of walking through life unfulfilled. I think back to, you know, the big C.
Hopefully you all know what I'm talking about when I say that. Those years of our lives where there was a lot of isolation. And I remember for a little bit, I thought, this is great.
Like, I had a lot of time with myself to strategize and to get to know me again. But then, you know, after like, a couple weeks, maybe even months, it was like, okay, this is not so great. And I think to times when I've had, like, really busy seasons in my life, right? Like, I was succeeding on paper, and my business is growing and my calendar's full and my network was expanding. But I remember specifically this one night I was in my hotel room, you know, suitcase off to the chair to the side, about to give. I don't know if I was about to give a keynote or I was just finished a keynote and I was kind of feeling not great, like, just not feeling good in my own skin. I don't know if it was business, just I can't even remember exactly what was going on. But I remember that feeling of just like, I don't feel okay, right? Like, I'm not okay right now. And I couldn't name one person that I felt comfortable to pick up the phone and call. And I remember that feeling because it was a really gross feeling. And it's not because I'm not surrounded by awesome people.
It's because, like, you like a lot of you. I've played in the safe spaces, not the brave spaces. I've allowed other people to do a lot of talking about what's going on with them. But I haven't always done it myself.
And I didn't want to let people down. I didn't want to bother people, I didn't want to be seen as weak. All that crap that we tell ourselves in that moment. Realize that achievement without connection is literally just isolation, you know, wrapped up in a fancy dress, right? The truth is you can't out hustle loneliness. You can't achieve your way out of the emptiness that loneliness creates. Because the human nervous system does not care about our success.
It only cares whether we feel safe and seen.
That is the real currency of happiness. It's not status, but it's connection.
And there is some fascinating neuroscience behind this.
When we experience genuine human connection, our brain releases oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone.
Oxytocin lowers cortisol, slows your heart rate and improves immune function.
In other words, connection is medicine. And when you don't get it, your body doesn't just feel lonely, it literally moves into survival mode. And you start misinterpreting neutral situations as threats. You read silence as rejection. You withdraw to protect yourself. And the more you protect yourself, the more isolated you become. It literally is a loop, a self protection that looks like independence but feels like emptiness.
So what am I saying here? What am I asking? What am I preaching? I don't know, what am I doing? Well, I think we just need to start healing it, right? Because when you start to think about this health epidemic called loneliness, this disconnection that a very strong lot of you are feeling, you need to start considering, well, how do you rebuild it? How do you actually start ensuring that you have meaningful connection and emphasize the word meaning. Because man, you could go to five events a week and never have meaningful connection, right? Because we literally live in a world that is addicted to surface level crap and distraction.
So I want to break this down and this is stuff that I have to do because I think when you're ambitious, when you're a high performer, when you have all these big goals, it's just so easy to just get sucked into the vortex of doing the things and then not taking a step back to be like, oh yeah, I should go for a walk with a friend or go have tea or, or call my friend and tell them I had a shitty day, right?
So first and foremost I want to just sort of take you through some of the steps to get you to a place where connection starts to become a priority. So number one, stop confusing connection with exposure. You do not owe the Internet your vulnerability.
Connection doesn't mean performing your pain for attention. This is not you showing up on a video and airing out your dirty laundry, you know, so to speak. It means allowing yourself to be known by the right people, not to thousands of people, to the right people. People who can hold space for you and not just offer solutions.
Ask yourself who actually knows you beyond your highlight reel, beyond your LinkedIn profile. Who knows your fears, your failures, your dreams unfiltered, right? Cause I have someone right now that I could pick up the phone and be like, dude, I'm having a bad day.
I am afraid.
I'm struggling with imposter syndrome.
I can say all that and I don't feel weak and they're not judging me. They're my friend.
They are somebody that I can be truly seen with.
And I don't post all of that on social media because that's not the place for it, that's not the platform for it. Because then it's only one sided, right? And if you can't name one or two people, that's where I want you to start. Because honestly, this life is just full of turns and twists and a whole lot of things that are just outside of our control. And there's a lot of unstability and insecurity and just there's a lot of chaos around us. And I just feel like we all need that one safe harbor, that safe other human. Someone that we can drop all the armor with. Right? Step two, I want you to shift from networking to nurturing.
Man, I don't know, at this point in my life, and probably at this point in your life you have mastered networking but somehow have forgotten nurturing. We are really good at building professional circles and not personal communities.
The truth is this, the people who sustain your well being are not your LinkedIn connections. They are the ones who remember how you take your coffee. They check in with you just because they care.
They don't need a reason to show up and be there for you. I want you to figure out who those folks are in your world, even if it's just one. And I want you to invest in them like it's a bank account. Text the friend that you've ghosted because you've been too busy. Call your parents, call your siblings, call your old mentor. Do not wait until you have more time because I promise you that will not come.
Connection, in my opinion, creates Time. Because it starts to give your life more meaning.
Step three, redefine intimacy.
Intimacy is not romantic. It is armorless. It is realness. It's presence. It's being witnessed without judgment. And it doesn't just happen in deep conversation. It happens in micro moments when you put your phone down and actually look at somebody in the eyes.
When you remember a small detail from somebody's life and you bring it up later, when you listen without planning your next response, those tiny acts tell the other person you matter, and that's what rebuilds safety, psychological safety. But the act of you doing it creates a loop where they have the ability to do it back for you, right? Invest in that. Step four, practice small courage. Most people say they want connection, but are pretty terrified of the vulnerability that requires, right? Because connection demands honesty. And honesty can feel like a risk. And I get that, right? The risk of vulnerability is high, but it is the down payment, if you will, on authentic connection, on real relationships, on depth.
And I say trust your gut on this one. Follow your intuition. I am not a believer in telling everybody everything about you. You know, I've written books, I get on stages. I share a lot. There's still a lot that y' all don't know and you never will. And that's okay, right? Because we're like onions. There's so many layers to us. And where I can be vulnerable to teach what I teach, there are other layers to me that are very vulnerable. And, you know, I only allow a certain amount of humans to see that, right? But, you know, when I hang up the phone with my closest girlfriends, I say, I love you. You know, maybe that's weird, I don't know, but it's like our thing, right? Like, I love them and I don't want anything to ever go on set, you know, between us, right?
So when I think small courage, I think being honest about the little things like reaching out to them and saying, like, I miss you. Hey, what you just said, that hurt, man. That hurt. That offended me.
Or sending a text or picking up the phone and saying, like, I'm struggling right now. Spiraling, not doing well, right?
When I say micro or taking small steps towards small courage, it's just those little itty bitty things that kind of, ooh, ooh, that's new. Never said that before. Never said I love you to a friend before. Never said I miss you to a friend before. Never said, hey, that hurt me, or I don't agree or I'm struggling right now. It's not about spilling Everything that's not. I mean, yes, that's how depth is built in relationships, but that stuff happens over time. It's compounded. Right? I guess the ask here is really just stop pretending you're invincible because you're not. Right? Invulnerability, yes, it does protect you, but it also isolates you. Step 5 Build connection rituals. I don't know why, but I talk a lot about rituals on this podcast. Connection does not thrive on intention. It thrives on repetition. It's the Sunday dinner with family. It's the morning walks with a friend. It's the five minute check in at the end of the day with your partner. You and I do not need more people. We just need more presence, more rituals. So create rituals that ground you in that belonging because that consistency will build the safety and it will build the connections.
You know, when I look at my life and I look at everything that I have experienced and probably will continue to just, you know, experience as is life is.
Disconnection doesn't just happen when people disappear. It happens when you stop being available for connection. It cannot be a one way street. I have literally listened to people in my family being like, well, they haven't called me in three months, so I'm not calling them. Like, how's that treating you? Is that really working for you?
Right? Like, what if something horrible happened? My best friend Stephanie, who we have now been friends for, I don't even know, like 30 something years.
There was a period in our life where we didn't talk.
Like, we did not talk. I remember her being a butt. She probably remembers it differently, but I remember her being a little bit of a butt. So that's why I didn't want to be her friend. I also was a mom at 17 years old, so there is that as well. So we were like on different playing fields. I think it was around 21 years old. I get a voicemail from her. And she was a little saucy in the voicemail, rightfully so, because we hadn't talked in a bit. But she basically said her grandmother had passed away and she thought I would want to know because I had known her grandmother and I grew up around her. And it was in that moment that I was just like, man, I'm sitting here pissed off at her, not calling her because she's not calling me. And her grandmother passed away and I wasn't there for her. Right? And so I want to repeat what I said. Disconnection doesn't just happen when people disappear. It happens when you stop Being available for connection, right? Life's too damn short, as far as I know. I'm not coming back, you know, reincarnated as this person. Anyway. I don't know if reincarnation is a thing. Not to make this religious, folks, so please don't come at me. But to me, this is it. This is my life right here. And when it's done. And so I would rather not get to the end and realize there's a whole lot of connection I could have had with some really important people in my life, but I didn't because I wasn't available, right? When you are so focused on being fine, you stop being real. When you numb out instead of reaching out, when you keep saying, I'm too busy, when what you really mean is, I'm too tired, to be honest, you lose opportunity that you don't always get back. We heal in connection. And it can be messy and funky and awkward and it's okay. But we heal in connection, and we always have and we always will.
So my challenge for you this week is simple. Reach out to one person. Not because you need something, but because you care. Send the text, make the call, invite them for a coffee, and when they ask you how you're doing, tell them the fricking truth. Not the polished version, not the highlight reel. Tell them what's going on. Because every time you choose real over right over numbing out, over pretending, you remind your nervous system what safety feels like. And that's how you start to cure the connection deficit disorder.
One honest moment at a time. And when you strip it all back, you know, beneath the titles, the metrics, the goals, what we really crave is not success. It's closeness. It's the feeling that our presence matters, that we matter, that we're enough.
And that's the work of a happy, healthy human.
And it's not in chasing connection, but it's in becoming that connection and just by nature, receiving it.
Have an amazing week.
[00:17:20] Speaker B: Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
