Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress. Equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode, we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:33] You know what I've learned about boundaries?
[00:00:36] They are not about keeping people out. They are about keeping you in. Keeping you intact, centered, aligned. And the kicker is, the reason most people struggle with boundaries isn't because they don't know what they need. It's because saying it out loud makes them feel exposed.
[00:00:53] Because real boundaries are not built on control. They are built on vulnerability.
[00:00:59] Think about it. When you tell someone, that doesn't work for me or I need space, you're not putting up a wall. You're revealing something true, something raw. You're saying, this is where I end and where you begin, and that is intimate. And for most of us, especially any of us who grew up equating love with approval, intimacy feels absolutely freaking terrifying.
[00:01:24] We were taught that being easygoing makes us lovable.
[00:01:29] That self sacrifice equals loyalty. That saying yes means you're kind, ridiculous. But boundaries don't make you unkind. They just make you clear, concise, and clarity is kindness.
[00:01:43] I want to tell you something I wish I'd learned man a decade earlier.
[00:01:48] Every time you say yes when you mean no, you don't just portray your energy.
[00:01:53] You teach people that your needs don't matter and they'll believe you. I think Dr. Phil used to say, like, you teach people how to treat you, and it's not because they're bad people, but because that's the story you keep reinforcing with those around you. Boundaries don't teach people how to treat you. They remind you how to treat yourself.
[00:02:13] Let's go deeper on this. There's this myth that boundaries are about pushing people away.
[00:02:19] They're not. They're about building bridges that actually can hold the weight of a real connection.
[00:02:25] Without boundaries, relationships, personal or professional, collapse under bitterness, resentment.
[00:02:33] Because you start saying things like, I just can't do this anymore. I give and I give and I give and I give and I give and give and give, and I get nothing back. I feel invisible. I don't feel seen.
[00:02:43] The truth is that people cannot respect boundaries that you've never told them about. You've never built and the research is ridiculously clear on this. Psychologists define boundaries as the invisible lines that separate your responsibility from someone else's. They are what let you empathize without absorbing care, without carrying support, without sacrificing your sanity.
[00:03:08] And the irony is, people who set the healthiest boundaries are often the most compassionate people.
[00:03:14] Because when your energy is not leaking everywhere, you have more to give from a place of choice, not obligation.
[00:03:23] So why is it so damn hard? Right?
[00:03:26] Because boundaries require you to risk being misunderstood. And for many of us, being misunderstood feels really unsafe. We would rather overextend than disappoint.
[00:03:38] We'd rather self abandon than risk conflict. We would rather stay exhausted then face somebody else's disapproval.
[00:03:48] That's not self love, that's not being good to ourselves, that's not being kind.
[00:03:53] That is literally living from a place of fear.
[00:03:56] And fear will keep you in a cycle of over giving, resentment and burnout until you finally decide that your peace is not up for negotiation. Right? A few years ago I worked with a leader who, you know, for all intents and purposes was the definition of dependable.
[00:04:17] Everybody leaned on her, everyone came to her and she was fricking drowning. And we sat down and I asked her like, when was the last time you told someone no?
[00:04:27] And she paused and said, I can't remember. And that moment, that space between as she was considering was the combination of years of people pleasing colliding with truth, right? So we practiced literally, like think of role playing, simple scripts, like, I'd love to help, but I'm at capacity right now. Let's circle back next week. Can you clarify what your expectations are here of me? And you know what she told me a few weeks later? I have never felt so freaking uncomfortable in my life and yet so free.
[00:05:03] Because what healthy boundaries feel like at first is a lot of guilt, right? It's just a lot of uncomfortability.
[00:05:10] The guilt is not proof though that you're wrong. It's just a pathway towards healing. Because it's new. It's different. Right? Because guilt shows up when you start prioritizing yourself in a system that literally taught you self sacrifice was the price of love. Like, think about that for a second. Studies from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine show that people with strong interpersonal boundaries have lower cortisol levels, better emotional regulation and stronger immune responses.
[00:05:37] Translation, saying no literally makes you healthier. And not just physically, but mentally too. Because boundaries lower anxiety, reduce decision fatigue, they increase your self respect, and they're the framework that allows your nervous system to feel safe again. But the truth.
[00:05:57] Most people set boundaries reactively, not proactively.
[00:06:03] So they wait until they're at the end, till they're burned out, until they've exploded, until resentment and bitterness has eaten away at their empathy. And then they draw these hard lines that sound like ultimatums, like, I'm done, I can't do this anymore.
[00:06:17] Boundaries are not supposed to be about control. They're supposed to be about communication. They're about prevention, right?
[00:06:25] So how do you start setting them before you actually get to that point?
[00:06:30] So step one is identify your energy leaks. Ask yourself, where do I leave interactions? Feeling drained or resentful? That's your data, right? Your body knows where your boundaries need work before your brain ever will catch up.
[00:06:44] Step two, script your language. So boundaries are hard in the moment because emotion a lot of times will hijack the clarity. So pre plan your words.
[00:06:54] So try.
[00:06:55] I can't give that the attention it deserves right now or I'm not the right person for that.
[00:07:00] You don't owe anybody an essay or a big long to do and reason of why you can't.
[00:07:07] You owe those people and yourself honesty, Right? Step three, hold it when it's tested, because it will be tested. I promise you it'll be tested. Especially if you've never done this before.
[00:07:17] People who have benefited from your lack of boundaries will resist them at first. I promise you they will stay calm, stay true to yourself. This is not you being rude. This is you being real and very truthful to yourself.
[00:07:29] Every single time that you reinforce it. You will teach your nervous system that I am safe to protect myself. And this next one is really important.
[00:07:38] Step four, add boundaries with yourself, not just others. The hardest boundaries are the internal ones. The commitment to stop checking your email after 8pm, to stop overthinking everybody's tone when they speak to you. To stop saying just one more thing when you know that you need rest.
[00:07:53] Self trust as we spoke about last week. And self boundaries go really hand in hand and you kind of can't have one without the other. And then finally step five, reframe boundaries as generosity. Because that is exactly what they are. When you communicate clearly, you give other people the gift of truth. You stop making them guess what you need and you stop building silent resentments that will later explode and destroy the relationships around you.
[00:08:21] That is true inside out leadership. That is maturity.
[00:08:25] Boundaries are not supposed to create distance, they are supposed to create depth.
[00:08:30] And they make space for the kind of connection that can actually be sustained and sustain you.
[00:08:38] So the paradox here is that the people who fear setting boundaries because they don't want to hurt others are often the ones hurting others unintentionally because they're avoiding, because they're resentful, because they're withdrawing.
[00:08:53] You cannot have real connection without truth. And truth without boundaries is literally just pure freaking chaos. So my challenge to you this week is super simple. Pick one area where you are stretched way too thin and ask yourself, what would change if I told the truth here and then actually say it out loud to somebody else?
[00:09:11] Even if it's awkward, even if it just feels like the weirdest thing, even if you think in your head internally, it's unkind, it's not.
[00:09:18] Even if you have to repeat it 10 times in the bathroom, in the mirror, before you actually say it to the other person, just do it. Because every single time you set a boundary, you build that emotional muscle. You strengthen the bridge between who you are and how you show up.
[00:09:32] And that, to me, is the real growth. Because we live in this ridiculous world where, if you will, the world will ask you to be available 24 7. And the most ridiculous and rebellious thing you can do is to protect your energy.
[00:09:48] Remember, boundaries are not a wall. They are a doorway. And a doorway to peace and clarity and connection and authenticity. And the moment that you walk through these doors, you will realize that it's not that hard, just a little uncomfortable.
[00:10:11] And the more you do this, the easier it will be to build true depth in relationships, because everybody will know where you stand. I hope you all have a great day.
[00:10:25] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
