Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Welcome to the Happy Stack Podcast, where we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress. Equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode, we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out. Let's get stacking.
[00:00:33] What do you do? It's one of the most normal questions in the world. What do you do? But have you ever noticed how much pressure lives inside that question?
[00:00:46] Right? You pause, you look around, you scan, you edit how you say it, what you say, and you shrink.
[00:00:57] I'm a speaker, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a mom.
[00:01:02] And every time you answer that question, you choose a slice, a fragment, if you will. And here's what I want to challenge us all today with.
[00:01:13] The moment that you over identify with a label, you start building walls around your own expansion. And the moment you label someone else too quickly, you miss the truth and the depth of who they truly are.
[00:01:34] We as humans like boxes, but boxes suffocate.
[00:01:41] They suffocate growth. And I've noticed this in my own life. When I say I'm a speaker, people automatically assume certain things.
[00:01:52] When I say I'm a mom, they assume other things. When I say I'm an entrepreneur, I run businesses that comes with a whole host, a whole set of different projections. I'm not any one of those things.
[00:02:09] I'm all of them and so much more. I'm a human being who evolves and learns.
[00:02:15] And the struggle is, is I've caught myself too, right? I've caught myself saying things like, you know, I'm not that kind of person, or that's not really my thing, or I don't do that.
[00:02:28] Where did that come from?
[00:02:31] Usually from a box that I created for myself.
[00:02:36] Just like every time you opt out of something, it's because of a box that you've created from for yourself.
[00:02:45] And the danger here lies with when our identities become locked in those boxes, they become rigid and our growth becomes stagnant. Our growth actually becomes optional because we're in a box and our brains crave efficiency, cognitive efficiency.
[00:03:08] And labels help us categorize. And that categorization reduces cognitive load. I mean, it's as simple as that. That's why we do it.
[00:03:21] And it makes the world feel less scary, more predictable. But when you have that rigid box of identity, it increases the basis of psychological safety, it increases the fragility of it. So there is research in developmental psychology around identity foreclosure. When someone locks themselves into a defined identity early and defends it instead of evolving it. When that identity is threatened, cortisol stress spikes. You get more defensive. So defensiveness rises and your ability to be agile and adaptable goes down. It drops. If I identify, which I 100% do and have over my life as the strong one, I'm probably going to struggle to ask for help, which I have in my life.
[00:04:28] If I identify as the successful one, then all of a sudden failure becomes identity threatening instead of lessons and feedback, which is what it should be. And if I identify as the nice one, then all of a sudden those boundaries feel like a betrayal of identity, right? Like, do you see how little and subtle this is?
[00:04:54] The label in and of itself on its own does not look like if you write it on paper, it doesn't look harmful until it starts to limit your range, your ability to grow.
[00:05:08] So the question is, who are you? When the title is removed?
[00:05:13] If your job changed tomorrow, who are you?
[00:05:16] If your kids grew up, left the house, who are you? If your relationship shifted or ended, who are you?
[00:05:24] This is where we start to see the unraveling. And it's not because we're weak. It's because our identity was outsourced to a label out there or a role.
[00:05:36] And roles are temporary.
[00:05:39] Capacity is ever evolving and enduring.
[00:05:43] And that's the shift.
[00:05:45] Instead of identifying with titles, identify with qualities.
[00:05:53] Instead of saying I'm a CEO, try saying something like, I'm someone who innovates and builds.
[00:06:01] Instead of saying I'm a mom, try saying something like, I'm someone who nurtures and leads qualities grow and evolve with us. And titles and anybody who's at any point in their life right now, you know, titles expire.
[00:06:21] You've had many of titles in your life and at some point they all have their closing date. And so I want to talk about what we do with other people. And this is so detrimental because we do it to ourselves, but then we do it to other people. She's just a stay at home mom. He's just corporate.
[00:06:40] She's just a VP of hr, I think, you know, he's just quiet, he's just shy.
[00:06:47] And the moment we use words like just or we put people in that box, we have flattened a human and their potential. And interesting. When we flatten somebody, we put them in that box, it's easier to dismiss them, but they're harder to see. Like, not even. But they just are. They just are harder to see because we've dismissed them.
[00:07:13] I speak about this often, but I honestly believe that as leaders, as humans, curiosity is the cats.
[00:07:22] Finish the sentence. It is the cat's ass. I'm gonna say it anyway.
[00:07:26] Curiosity dies inside of boxes, and curiosity is literally what builds connection.
[00:07:35] You cannot lead well if you box people in. You cannot lead love well if you box people in. And you, my friends, cannot grow well if you box yourself in. Think about a person in your life or at work that annoys that heck out of you.
[00:07:52] Have you reduced that person to being difficult, too emotional, too controlling? Have you ever looked at it from a different perspective and asked yourself those curious questions of what if they're overwhelmed? What if they are carrying something that is invisible? What if they've been burned before? The box you put them in prevents your ability to build a bridge where connection is possible.
[00:08:22] Rigid identity increases all of that. It also increases stress. And you may be sitting there asking yourself, well, why?
[00:08:31] Because if you are constantly protecting an identity, a version of yourself over here, your stress rises when anything goes to the negative. That right? But if you are flexible in your identity, all of a sudden you start to increase your ability to build that skill, that capacity of resilience. When you have the ability to adapt and be agile and not put yourself in a box or others in a box.
[00:09:01] When things shift, when they change, you don't collapse if one chapter ends. You don't lose yourself because you never considered yourself just that one thing.
[00:09:14] That is capacity.
[00:09:17] And that's what I like to focus, all of us, whether you're a leader, whether you're middle manager, whether you're a human just existing on this earth, that is sustainable performance.
[00:09:32] And so my suggestion to you is to start considering and maybe even write this down. What are the labels that you cling to? What are the things that make up your box, your identity? And then ask yourself, how, if at all, are they limiting you, right? Like, how is this limiting me? By putting this label on myself, right? And then replace it with. Instead of a label, replace it with a quality.
[00:10:05] So rather than labeling yourself someone who's bad with money, maybe it becomes something like, I'm someone who's learning a financial skill, or I'm learning financial literacy, or, you know, I think of myself like I always used to say, I'm not a runner. I'll only run if something's chasing me. Actually, you might catch me saying that every once in a while. But that's a freaking label, right? That's not truth. Right? Maybe I become somebody who's learning to embrace running or I'm learning to run. Or maybe you say something like, I'm not athletic. Well, maybe it becomes I'm someone who's learning to strengthen my body, right? It's a subtle shift, but it has such a massive impact. And this is not me talking. Woo. This is literally like what you say to yourself between your ears matters. It shifts and changes how you show up in the world.
[00:10:55] And if I'm just kind of speaking me to you one on one, I'm saying you're not a title. You're not your LinkedIn headline. You're not your role that somebody else has given you in somebody else's life.
[00:11:09] You are a human being with capacity to expand.
[00:11:13] And so I challenge you to stop living inside the box that you built, or maybe a few others built for you. You are allowed to evolve and you are allowed to live off of the foundations of the qualities you bring to the table versus the roles and the titles and that silly little box that we put each other in. I challenge you to shift the narrative in your mind. Because if you can do this for yourself, you will learn to do it for other people.
[00:11:44] And that's where connection is built.
[00:11:47] Have an amazing day, everybody.
[00:11:49] Hey, thanks for listening to the Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together. See you next time.
