Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome to The Happy Stack Podcast, where
[00:00:03] Speaker B: we explore the science and strategies behind creating a happier, more fulfilling life. I'm Teriann Richards and I partner with organizations to address the root causes of burnout, disengagement, and stress. Equipping leaders and teams with the tools they need to thrive, both organizationally and personally. Each episode, we dive into practical habits, insights, and strategies to help high performers like you level up from the inside out.
[00:00:31] Speaker A: Let's get stacking.
There's something really almost hilarious about human behavior.
We will avoid a five minute uncomfortable conversation for six months.
Like, six months, y'. All. We will literally carry anxiousness around like an emotional backpack full of bricks because we don't want one awkward five minute interaction.
And then we wonder why we all feel so heavy.
I think avoidance is one of the most expensive habits humans have. Like, not financially expensive, but emotionally and mentally and physically and relationally avoidance, it looks harmless in the beginning, and I find that's why it's so dangerous, because it masquerades as, like, a pressure release, like, as relief.
I'll deal with it tomorrow. I just don't want. I don't want conflict. I don't like conflict. I don't want to have that argument.
It's just not the right time.
I don't want to upset anyone.
I need to think about it more and process it more.
Meanwhile, your nervous system is in the corner doing unpaid overtime, trying to manage all that unresolved tension that you keep dragging forward.
And the wild part, most people think that this lowers stress, but research actually shows that avoidance, that coping mechanism that a lot of us play into, actually increases our anxiety over time because the brain never gets a resolution. And the brain works in loops. It wants to know what's the close here, right? And so instead, you're kind of like in an infinite hamster wheel or infinity loop, right?
You don't teach your nervous system safety through avoidance. You teach it that discomfort is dangerous. And that matters because eventually your world starts to get smaller.
You stop saying what you mean. You stop making decisions. You overthink everything. And, yeah, I'm talking to you. You procrastinate. You, people, please. You delay conversations. You avoid risks. You avoid the truth. You avoid endings. You avoid beginnings. You basically become allergic to discomfort. And then we wonder why confidence disappears, why we struggle in confidence. Because confidence is not built by avoiding hard things. It's built by moving through them, by pushing through them. That's where resilience is built. That's where grit is built.
That's why I say so often when I'm working with folks that I coach is that, you know, a lot of times people think confidence comes first. And the answer is, it just doesn't. Evidence comes first.
Your brain watches what you do, not what you say. You don't build self trust by speaking out affirmations. Even though I love affirmations and I believe in them.
You build self trust by showing up and doing the hard thing over and over consistently.
Your brain is so much smarter than believing that just saying something out loud is enough, because it's watching. And it knows.
It knows that you're avoiding that doctor's appointment. It knows that you're unhappy in the relationship. It knows that you've set the boundary and broke the boundary time and time again. It knows you're exhausted. It knows that you're pretending. It knows that that text message that ruined your mood three days ago, and it knows that you still haven't addressed it.
Humans leak energy through unresolved things. And that's why avoidance is so heavy. It's so exhausting.
Your brain keeps background tabs open, if you will, on anything and everything that's unfinished. It's like having 38 apps open on your phone while wondering why the battery is draining and dying so fast. And it's the same thing for us in our human body. And honestly, modern life has made avoidance easier than ever. You can literally distract yourself both personally and professionally. You don't want to feel cool, just grab your phone and scroll through hours of TikTok. You don't want to think, scroll. You don't want to start the conversation. Stay busy, man. You don't want to face yourself. Overwork and we'll call it reducing stress. We'll call it productivity. We'll call it something.
But sometimes it's just hiding from our emotions. And I remember a therapist said once, anxiety grows exceptionally well in avoidance.
And that hit me because it's so freaking true.
The thing people avoid rarely gets smaller with time.
It grows roots, it grows branches.
You avoid that hard conversation and resentment grows. You avoid the stress, and now your body is carrying it into infinity and beyond.
You avoid the decision.
And now that indecision starts to become a part of your identity.
You avoid grief, and now numbness moves in.
Avoidance compounds.
And here's where things I find get sneaky.
Avoidance can disguise itself as being nice.
This one hits when I speak to one of my girlfriends because she is the quote unquote nice girl.
Some people are not kind.
They are conflict avoidant.
And there's a Difference. There's a difference between being nice and kind.
Kindness tells the truth with care. It protects borders and boundaries and niceness. Avoidance says, I'm going to sacrifice me and my honesty to keep temporary peace.
But temporary peace usually creates long term bitterness and resentment and tension. And that's why the people who avoid difficult conversation the most are often carrying the most internal stress.
Our body, your body was not designed to carry unresolved emotional tension forever.
It keeps score.
And you see it in tight shoulders and poor sleep and irritability and emotional eating or brain fog or procrastinating or like something I've struggled with for years. Shallow breathing, not breathing fully into your belly or doom scrolling, random burst of anger or just strong emotions, being sad, fatigued.
And people say, I don't know what's going on with me lately, I don't know what's wrong.
And the answer I have for you is maybe nothing's wrong with you. Maybe it's just your system is exhausted from carrying the things that you know need to be put down, they need to be addressed.
And look, I get it. Hard conversations are uncomfortable. I don't like them.
Boundaries are uncomfortable. Holding those boundaries strongly is uncomfortable. The truth is uncomfortable.
Disappointing people is uncomfortable.
Living disconnected from yourself for years, really uncomfortable. And it costs way more.
One of the biggest shifts in my own life was realizing that every time I avoided something important, I taught myself I couldn't handle discomfort.
And that matters. Because resilience is not built through comfort.
It's built through exposure, through honesty, through repair, through endings, through difficult moments that you survive through.
That's how humans become emotionally stronger. Not by avoiding things, not by avoiding pressure, but by learning that they can move through it, survive it, and do so without collapsing.
And maybe that's the real work, right? Not becoming, you know, tough as nails, not becoming fearless, becoming willing, willing to say the thing, willing to face the truth, willing to disappoint people, willing to stop abandoning yourself just to keep everyone else comfortable.
Because the thing you avoid is not going to disappear. It's just waiting in the background in those 37 tabs that are hanging out in the back of your brain.
And it's all getting louder and heavier as it does.
So my challenge to you is, what's the thing you've been avoiding?
And in the next 14 days, do something about it. Just get out and do the next right thing. It don't gotta be perfect, but that rumination, that avoiding it's costing you so much more than the uncomfortableness it's costing you your piece and your piece matters.
Have an amazing day, guys.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: Hey, thanks for listening to The Happy Stack podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little extra happiness in their life. Let's keep stacking those wins together.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: See you next time.
